I'm sorry i have depression
by MercieTorres
Summary: Tori is suffering from depression and she doesn't know and keeps wondering why she's always sad and is constantly having suicidal thoughts, but in the midst of all her mental turmoil, there is pale beauty who is keeping everything steady and will possibly lead Tori back to her normal self
1. Chapter 1

Hi there, so this is my first story, well first story that I've actually had the guts to publish, so please be nice but honest. And please forgive the mistakes. Rating may change between T and T+. I don't know what else I'm supposed to say, stuff is easier when read. Oh yeah….

Disclaimer

I don't own anything, well except my imagination. But if I did own Victorious, it would be EPIC!

CHAPTER ONE

TORI POV

"TORI!"

That's my sister, Trina, she does this every day, when I say this, I mean wake me up with her ear murdering thing she calls a singing voice, and if that's not enough she has to wail my name every morning coz guess what she's my ride to school. I don't have a driver's license yet, I mean I try to get one but every time I try 'it' happens.

What's 'it' you ask, well maybe I should start from the beginning, my name is Tori Vega, am 17, the youngest of 2 daughters, my parents are David and Holly Vega, my dad is a cop and my mom is a …. Well, I don't really know what my mother does she just wakes up and leaves where she goes I don't know. My elder sister well , I don't really have the energy to talk about her right now, truth is I don't really don't have energy to do anything these days. Anyway as I was saying, am 17 and I go to Hollywood Arts, the greatest school in LA, I have great friends, my life generally should be awesome, I say should be because deep down am very sad, suicidal thoughts kind of sad, I don't when this started because am definite I was happy during the showcase but somehow along the way I just lost it, at first I thought it was just a phase, so I just kept pretending to be happy but every day it got worse, and I have to put a huge effort to pretend to be someone I was before, happy, and basically that's 'it', and whenever 'it' happens I have to try really hard to convince myself not to end it all, so a car is not really a good place to have suicidal thoughts, pretty messed up huh.

Pretending to be happy sucks all of my energy that I don't have any left to do other things that I used to do like singing, star in plays or even get a driver's license.

TORI!

There we go again, I better go before she starts banging on my door.

BANG BANG BANG!

Jesus Trina am coming.

"Hi Toriiiiii!"

"Hi Cat howsit going?"

"Ooh my brother once said howsit going to his hamster"

"So what happened?"

"Nothing, well see you later."

Typical Cat, I wish I had the energy to laugh at her stories of weird brother but these days am hanging by a thread, barely keeping my cool so my family and friends won't know what's happening with, they can't find out am unhappy they'll think am ungratefully, almost every 17 year old wants to experience the life am living.

RING RING!

That's the final warning bell, I must have been lost in my head again well, I better get to class.

"Tori! Thank you so much for gracing us with your presence, this is the fifth time you're late this week, mind explaining?" Sikowitz asked me in a friendly tone.

"Am so sorry, Sikowitz.."

"Of course she is." Jade said in her usual sarcastic tone.

"Jade stop, and Tori please take a seat." Sikowitz said friendly as usual.

I was walking to my seat with my head busy as always, I didn't see Jade put her legs in my way, I tripped and my life was changed forever. I don't know if it was the pain of falling or because I hadn't eaten breakfast 5 days in a role or maybe I couldn't keeping my internal misery to myself anymore, and so I cried.

JADE POV

The door opened and I quickly turned my head disappointed to see Cat, I don't what's up with her but Vega has been acting very strange lately, and not that I would admit it but am actually worried about her. The door opened again, and Sikowitz suprised all of us by actually using a real door not a window. Even though I was happy that our lunatic of a teacher might actually be getting just a tiny bit of his sanity back, I had one half latina to worry about, this is the fifth time she's late this week.

"Damn it!"

"What?" Beck asked me.

"What!" I snapped. I know he's just trying to be a good boyfriend but I'm too busy thinking about Tori here, yeah I call her Tori in my head and it deeply upsets me just how much effect she has on me. And you know what sucks, she doesn't even know it, she doesn't have to do anything to get my attention, she just has to be there, and I'm gone. Which is why I try so hard to make her life a living hell, to convince myself she's just another person. Jesus, not even gets to me like this by far.

"It's just that you said damn it." Oh he heard me, I was so pissed worrying about Tori that I didn't realize I said damn it aloud, well loud enough for Becky dear here to hear, he's just been super nosy lately. But I don't blame him because I've been pretty distant lately, yes you guessed correctly, worrying about Tori.

"No I didn't."

"Jade I heard you say….

"HEY!" I didn't give him chance to finish, I really have more important issues to deal with here. The door opens again and I mentally swear that if it's not Tori I'll kill someone, a lock of chestnut brown hair shows first before a face with the worlds perfectly shaped cheekbones shows and I know that I can rest now.

"Tori, thank…" I pretty much blocked what Sikowitz had said, I was just too happy to see her, and to show that am happy I have to make a mean comment to her, she'll make a big fuss about it, Sikowitz will snap at me, we all laugh about it, everything is normal, it is some sort of unwritten agreement we have. Being the sweet person she is she says sorry, me on the other hand would have just walked to my seat.

"Am so sorry, Sikowitz." She says in that all so intoxicating voice, this girl will be the death of me.

"Of course she is." I say in my best sarcastic voice, Sikowitz snaps at me, but wait something is missing, Tori is quiet she didn't say anything, in fact she's just walking to her seat right now. See, this is what I've been trying to say, Tori is not acting herself, 'Could it be she didn't hear me, quick think of something to get her attention, quick she's coming your way' I tell myself. I put my feet in her way, this will surely get her attention, when she sees my feet in her way, she will definitely freak and my day will finally go back to normal. Uh oh she's not looking where she's going, she's not going to see my feet, she's going to ….

Everything happened so fast, by the time I realized that she didn't see my feet, she was already too close and I couldn't retract them in time, I didn't try to reach out for her, no else did coz they didn't expect it. I wouldn't have caught her even if I did, she's such a light weight that such a small bump sent her flying across the room, the whole class was quiet for a while, I'm sure everyone was just waiting for Tori to get up and scream at me or pull my hair or something and God knows I needed that like a drug addict does when going through detox . 'please yell at me, please yell at me' I kept going in my head but nothing, instead she cried.

TORI POV

"Tori?" Cat was the first person to talk to me after I fell, her voice uncertain and filled with so much concern, which is so unlike Cat, and just for a second I wish I could just reach out to her and tell her everything is fine, it's just a normal Tori-Jade dynamic day, but I had opened a door I couldn't close.

"Tori, please don't cry, Jade didn't mean to hurt you, she's just being mean old Jade." Beck says in his usual calm voice. I know Beck, I remember sometime when the old me would wonder where she gets her courage and I'd admire her so much, but now I'm sorta broken I don't know what broke me but everything seems to make it worse, even right now when you're comforting me, you're just making it worse, but it's not your fault. I'm just ungrateful, ungrateful for everything I have and this makes me want to cry even more.

Everyone tried to comfort me, including Jade and the shruggers but I just couldn't stop, I had opened a gate, and everything must come out before I close this gate again. I don't even know how I got to Lane's office, I only knew I was in his office coz of the weird smell of his air freshener or lotion, I don't know anymore, and I was still crying, I know my friends were worried sick about me but I just couldn't stop, I deserve everything that's happening to me but my friends don't deserve this.

JADE POV

5 HOURS! 5 freaking hours that she has been crying, and I'm responsible for that. I have never seen Vega cry before, matter of fact I once overheard that suckfish of her sister say that Vega doesn't cry not that I was eavesdropping or anything. Anyway I'm not the nicest person in the world, I have problems showing emotions except anger, Beck knows that, everybody knows that, hell I thought that Tori also knew that, I know that sometimes I just take things too far, it's just recently she's been avoiding me and I just wanted to get her attention, I know it's hard to believe but the last thing I want is to make Vega cry.

"Hey guys I just came from Lane's office, Tori is still crying." Andre announced his voice full of worry, he is very protective about Tori, he's like a big brother to her, I wonder if he noticed something strange about her.

"I just don't understand I thought Tori understood that Jade is well…. Jade." Beck said. Typical boyfriend.

"She flew across the room Beck, with what she weighs I'm sure she hurt herself pretty bad, I know you want to be a good boyfriend but how about a good friend to Tori?" Andre snapped at Beck.

"Hey I was just wondering…."

"Well keep it to yourself!" Andre interrupted Beck. "This isn't …."

"Guys, GUYS! This is helping Tori at all!" I yelled at both of them.

"What do you care, you're the cause of all these!" Andre yelled back at me. Wow this boy sure has guts, if not of the current situation and 70% of my brain saying that I deserve this, 70% bcoz well, old habits die hard, I would have flown him across the asphalt.

"ANDRE!" Beck yells at Andre. Again typical boyfriend. At this point Robbie was in tears and Cat was under the table covering her ears.

"What!" Andre is on fire today, I really admire his protectiveness over Tori but I have to put an end to this madness.

"Beck, Andre! Shut up and listen for a while OK! Look at what you're doing, you're making Robbie cry and giving Cat panic attacks, as if things are already bad enough. You think I don't know I started this? I blew things with Tori and I and I alone should pay for it, not Tori, Robbie, Cat or either of you, how do you think Tori is going to feel if she finds Cat under the table, Robbie crying and the two of you at each other's throats, am not trying to find a scapegoat here but am sure you'll all agree with me that she doesn't cry and whatever she's feeling right now is pretty bad, and she needs her friends now more than ever, can we all agree on that one?"

"Yes, sorry." Beck and Andre said in unison.

"Hey beck, sorry for ummm….."

"Yeah me too man, me too. Truce?"

"Truce." Andre bro hugged Beck.

"Robbie?" I asked Robbie.

"Yes." Robbie answered

"Cat, you gonna get up from under the table?" I asked

"Ooh one day my brother slept under our kitchen table." Cat started with stories of her weird brother, at least something was back to normal.

"And I make a promise in front of all of you, that I'll do everything in my power to make it up to Tori." I said earning a surprised look from Beck as I never make promises, ever.

"Cool, I Andre Harris make a promise to stand beside anyone who labors to make my muchacha happy." Andre says in a cool tone, this changes his moods swiftly, if anyone would have told me that a second ago he was ready to chop the head of anyone who hurt his muchacha. Seriously Andre should have been Tori's brother not that thing she has for a sister. "Say little red what happened to your brother?"

"What happened to my brother when?" Cat asked innocently as always.

"Well you said he slept under your kitchen table, what happen after?" Andre said.

"Ooh my brother once peed in the kitchen." Oh Cat, she never seizes to amaze me.

"No I meant uhh…. you know what forget it I don't even remember what I wanted to ask you." Andre said.

"One day my brother forgot to take his special medicine." Cat said.

"So what hap…ah just forget it." Andre said.

TORI POV

I woke up to a very soft knock, it was so soft that if I wasn't sleeping on the couch I wouldn't have heard it. My head was so heavy I was sure it weighed 200 pounds. I almost fell at my first attempt to stand up, so I took my time the second time and took careful steps to the door and carefully opened the door resting my head on the frame. I didn't look to see bcoz I knew who it was, I'll recognize that scent anywhere.

"Jade." I said

"Hey, how did you know it was me, you didn't look up?" Jade asked me.

"Your hair shampoo, I'd recognize it anywhere." I say as I slowly raise my head, I don't if it's my just my head or I saw a slight hint of deep regret on Jade's face.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like my head weighs 200 pounds, and not to rush you or anything, but I'll like to sit down now." I said as I felt that my knees were giving up on me.

"Sure, here." Jade said putting her arm under my pit around my back which was really helpful bcoz I don't think I would made it on my own.

"Why were you answering the door, where are your parents or Trina?" she asked me.

"I don't know I just woke up."

"Tori there's no car in the driveway, well except mine."

"Well I guess they've gone out."

"You can barely stand for two minutes, how can they leave alone?" Maybe I've lost my mind but Jade sounds really worried about me.

"Not that I don't appreciate it, but you're acting very nice, which is very unjade-like, did Sikowitz put you up to this…..oh wait are going to kill me?"

JADE

"Hey how did you know it was me, you didn't look up."

"Your hair shampoo, I'd recognize anywhere." She says and my heart does a million summersaults, but suddenly stops when I see her face. She looked really tired and her eyes were so red and swollen, I could never really explain the feeling of deep regret that washed over me, but I know I never felt that way before, hell I've never felt guilt before. Ever since she came to HA Tori had always had an effect on me and recently it became a craving of mine, that is why this past week she has been avoiding me, I did everything I could to get her attention.

"How are you feeling?" I asked her

"Like my head weighs 200 pounds and not to rush you or anything but I'd like to sit down now." She said looking very week, she could barely stand for 2 minutes which annoys beyond reason when I realize her excuse of a family left her alone, well not that mine is perfect but come on.

"Tori, there's no car in the driveway, well except mine."

"Guess they went out."

"You can barely stand for 2 minutes, how can they leave you alone?" what kind of people leave a person home alone like, I couldn't even think of doing such a thing, and well I'm Jade, and that says a lot, I clench the fist of the hand that wasn't holding Tori, and make a mental note to deal with that thing she calls a sister.

"Not that I don't appreciate it, but you're acting very nice which is very un-jade like, did Sikowitz put you up to this…." She swallowed hard and moved a bit, "…..are you here to kill me?"


	2. Chapter 2

What up, firstly, I would like to apologize for lack of updating, I thought I could pull off med school and writing at the same time, but that proved to be quiet difficult than I imagined.

Secondly, I lost the document that I saved the ideas for the story, so the story plot might go differently than I expected, I hope you guys will like it and I would like to say I'm thrilled that I got reviews, I didn't think I would get any, like at all. That said I would like to thank all those who read the story, and please review, I won't know if I'm boring you if you don't tell me.

To Guest, I was trying to give the story two perspectives, Jade's and Tori's, I feel like these two are so different that one situation is viewed completely different in their heads, but I'll try to minimize the changes in pov, the aim of a writer is to please the readers. LenyRehim, I don't understand any Spanish but thanks.

ScottyBgood and Invader Johnny, I'm a big fan of your works, I'm honored that you read my story. On with the story then, oh yeah…

I OWN NOTHING!

CHAPTER TWO

JADE POV

"Are you here to kill me?"

Ok, that hurt a little but I quickly masked it, I know it's kinda weird that Tori thinking I'm here to kill her hurts me, but well I'm a complicated person. "No Vega, I'm not here to kill you, I just came to check up on you, and to say that I'm sorry."

"Yeah don't worry about it, stuff happens, besides you went the only reason I broke down, but falling on your butt does hurt pretty bad."

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"Eeeeeh, so, I gotta ask, why are you being so nice to me, I mean I don't mind but I'm just not used to it, normally, you're only nice to me when you want something or you planned something that usually doesn't end so good for me, I'm asking because if this is a prank, please not today because I'm already having a crappy day."

Ouch! I realize I've never been the best of friends to Vega, well I've never really been a friend to her, and even though I understand why she would be suspicious, it still hurts she thinks, I'm the kind of person to kick people when they are down. And before you judgy people start judging I realize the irony that, almost everyone I know thinks I'm exactly that kind of person, and I couldn't give a rat's ass about it yet, when the person I have claimed in various occasions that I hate thinks it, I'm hurt. I know that I should probably think about this like a normal person but I was never normal so.

"No, Ve-Tori, I'm being nice, because I mean it." I say.

"Ok."

So Vega has been acting weird all for a while, I know it's kinda insane for me to say that based on the fact, we are not yelling at each other, but I tell you, Vega, this girl is a fighter, she never lets me win, like at all, and it drives me freaking insane, but seeing her giving in to me, for some reason is worse. For example, considering, I'm almost always in the wrong in our arguments, I never apologize, in fact I have never apologized to Beck, like ever, but Tori has made me apologize like three times now, yeah, I'm keeping count. Tori always makes a fuss every time I apologize, but this time, nothing, she just took it as if I say sorry all the time. Something is wrong with this girl I just can't put my finger on it.

"Jade?" She calls, waking me up from my inner ministrations.

"Yeah!" I answer.

"I have a headache so I'm gonna lay down for a bit, are you staying?"

"Yeah, do you have any great movies?" I ask and she points me to their dvd collection. I went there expecting to find Dora the explorer, but they actually have a decent movie collection. Eeeeeh it's probably her dad's, speaking of which, "Hey Vega, where is everybody, are you alone?"

"Yeah." She answers sleepily. Hhm, I found that very weird, I always thought that Vega's was the 'perfect' family, where they never miss each other's birthdays, paint each other's toenails and all that other crap families do, even more weird is that ever since Vega came to HA, it was like an unwritten contract was signed to always hang out at her place, I know this house in and out that I do my own house, and all the times I've spent here I've only met Vega's dad once and her mom twice, it's always Vega and that talentless thing she calls a sister. I know for a fact that if I broke down like Vega did, my idiot father would have come to pick me up and stayed with me, and we don't get along.

A.N: I know it's short, but I completely forgot what this story is about, so I'm just kinda floating, I know I wanted to do a Jori, with Tori not knowing that she has clinical depression and Jade has no idea that she's totally in love with Tori and that is why she's always trying to get her attention, she just does it wrongly. Please review and tell what you guys want and I know this chapter has a lot of mistakes so sorry.

I think I'll rewrite chapter two….


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Hi there, sorry it's been a while, I keep coming up with chapters only to delete them, so today I decided -screw it- so here goes.

Oh yeah, I don't own a thing.

Previously….. I found that very weird, I always thought that Vega's was the 'perfect' family, where they never miss each other's birthdays, paint each other's toenails and all that other crap families do, even more weird is that ever since Vega came to HA, it was like an unwritten contract was signed to always hang out at her place, I know this house in and out that I do my own house, and all the times I've spent here I've only met Vega's dad once and her mom twice, it's always Vega and that talentless thing she calls a sister. I know for a fact that if I broke down like Vega did, my idiot father would have come to pick me up and stayed with me, and we don't get along.

Jade POV

I stayed at Vega's for about 2 hours after Tori feel asleep, something about leaving her alone didn't feel right, but I'm Jade West, doing wrong things is what I excel at, well and performing but nobody likes a bragger. Plus, I needed a distraction, I've been thinking about Tori non-stop these days, and it's driving me crazy, obviously something is wrong with the girl, but I just can't go to her and ask her what's wrong with her, no, that will make it seem as if I care which I don't, really I don't, even if I did ask her I highly doubt she'd tell me, and not knowing is making antsy, (I'm Jade West, I don't do antsy), and that makes me angry, and let's just say I won't do Tori any good if I get angry around her when she is in that state, not that I care.

I didn't feel like going home, so I decided to drive around for a bit, I found a nice quiet park, where I packed for a bit to try (and miserably fail) brainstorming new ideas for my play. Seriously, what is going on with me, this is all Tori's fault, she's in my head and I can't get her out. I reasoned with myself that it's probably because I'm curious to know what is up with Miss Sally Sunshine, yeah that's it.

I decided to play temple run for a bit before I went home, I noticed I had 6 missed calls and 5 text massages. All the missed calls were from Beck and I couldn't help but roll my eyes, I know what you're thinking, shouldn't I be happy to get all this attention, that he cares and all that crap, clearly any normal girl would, well I'm not, I mean I used to but now, it just irritates me, seriously can't he take a hint, if I saw his calls and wanted to talk to him I would have obviously answered on the first ring.

I opened my text messages to find 2 from Beck *shocker*, 1 from Andre and 1 from Cat and 1 from Rex. I decided to open the ones from Cat and Andre first.

 **From Rex, 3:15pm**

 **Robbie's hair makes him look like he escaped from the set of 'the crudes' movie.**

I had to laugh at that one, classic Rex.

 **From Happy Cat** **,** **2:30 pm** (Yeah, Cat saved her name like that in my phone.)

 **Hi Jadey, after class, my brother and I are going for ice cream, wanna come?**

 **P.S, how's Tori?**

 **To Happy Cat** **, 4:50pm**

 **Hell no! Tori's fine.**

 **From Andre, 3:02 pm**

 **Did you apologize to Tori?**

I rolled my eyes at that typical Andre, always worrying about Tori, I swear that guy has a crush on her, and for some reason that bothers me, probably because, I hate the idea of Tori being happy 'cause Andre can be really good to her.

 **To Andre, 4:52pm**

 **Yeah, yeah, I apologized, ok? What is wrong with her?**

I asked because he's Tori's bestie, so he must know what is going on with her.

 **From Andre, 4:53pm**

 **Uh, you tripped her in class this morning and she fell?**

He answered as if he was asking me.

 **To Andre, 4:54pm**

 **I know that, smarty pants, I meant in general .**

 **From Andre, 4:55pm**

 **Jade just because you don't like Tori doesn't mean something is wrong with her.**

What? That's not what I meant, I realized that my question might have sounded like that is exactly what I meant but it's not, he probably doesn't even know anyway, if he knew the gang would know, God knows he can't hide a single emotion to save his life. Ugh, this is frustrating, if she hasn't told her bestie Andre anything, (and believe me she tells him everything, everything!), I just have to find out the truth for myself, so I can be normal again.

 **To Andre, 5:00pm**

 **Never mind**

 **From Beck, 1:57pm**

 **Haven't seen you in class, are you at Tori's? Can we talk after?**

Ugh, I internally groaned, I never liked Beck and I's talks, and I'm pretty sure I won't like this one.

 **From Beck, 3:00pm**

 **Jade, you can't ignore me forever.**

As much as I hated to admit it, he was right I could not ignore him forever, he would just keep calling and annoying the hell out of me.

 **To Beck, 5:05pm**

 **Be there in 5, you better have coffee.**

"Hey babe."

"Where is my coffee?" I know I should at least act as if I'm happy to see him, but I'm just too tired right now, plus this Tori shit is messing with my head.

"Here," he said giving me the coffee, "So, how is Tori?"

"She's fine, she was sleeping when I left, but I doubt you called me here to talk about Tori, God knows we do that too much at school."

"Jade," he started, but I raised one eyebrow saying 'one word about Tori and I'm out', (she's already stuck in my head, the least I can do is keep her out of my relationship), he seemed to get the point and said instead, "I wanna talk about us."

"OK, what about us?"

"Jade, come on, you know."

"No, I don't know, if I knew I wouldn't have asked now would I?" I answered starting to get annoyed, I know me being annoyed isn't something new, but the rate at which I get upset these days especially with Beck is concerning me, and I know it concerns Beck too and I know that is what he wants to talk about, and I know I'll be here for a while if I don't play nice, (normally I don't mind spending too much time with Beck, he's my boyfriend after all, and I love him, but my head is all messed up these days, and do you know who's to blame, yep, Tori.) "Sorry, long day."

"It's ok. When we first started going out, you told me you wanted me to be always honest with you, so I'm going to be honest, lately, I feel like I'm not appreciated in this relationship," I moved to says something but he says, "please let me finish, I feel like, I'm bothering you all the time when I just want to spend time with my girlfriend, you always lash out at me, and it just feels like you don't love me anymore."

Everything I wanted to say was lost to me, I had no idea he felt that way, for whatever is going on with me, I'm sure that I love Beck and I don't want to hurt him, so carefully choosing my words I say, "Beck, I'm so sorry I made you feel that way, it was not my intention, to be honest, I didn't even know I was making you feel that way, I've been having a bad week, and I guess I kinda took it out on you, I'm sorry, I love you." Beck smiles at me, gives me a kiss and hugs me while sighing a sigh of relief.

"It's ok. I love you, things are ok now," he says while soothingly rubbing my back, and I can't help the crippling guilt that overcomes me, suddenly I can't breathe, I feel like I'm suffocating, I have to get out of here. Beck must have felt me stiffening because he released from the hug to looking at me. "You ok?"

"Yeah, just tired." It's true I'm tired but I can't help but feel like I'm lying to him.

"Oh yeah, why don't you lie down."

"I can't, I have to finish my script while I still have ideas." I don't have any ideas.

"Oh yeah, sure, do you want me to give you a ride? 'cause you're tired and all." He says trying to mask his disappointment.

"No, it's cool, I'll manage, see you at school tomorrow." I said as I pecked him on the lips and ruffled his hair a bit, "And don't look so glum." I joked and he smiled and then I left.

I've been going over my conversation with Beck in my head, and I realize that I've not been fair to him, but to my defense, it's not something I can help, Beck is there in my heart, but my head is filled with Tori Vega, there is no room for him, so if I can get Vega out of my head, things with me and Beck will go back to normal. So starting tomorrow I'm going to investigate what's up with Vega, fix it, get her out of my head and all will be well again. I think this is proof that my soul actually exists, since she has helped me out of trouble so many times, I should at least help her this one time.

 **To Vega, 8:19pm**

 **Do you like cheese?**

 **From Vega, 8:49pm**

 **Yeah, why?**

 **To Vega, 8:52pm**

 **No reason, good night, and uh sorry for this morning.**

 **From Vega, 9:15pm**

 **Goodnight.**

A.N: So that's it for today, as the title suggests, the story will concentrate more on Tori and her depression, but since it's also a Jori story, and I wanted to show Jade's side of things, Jade is dealing with her feelings for Tori, and trying to rationalize everything, and she's very confused, she feels the need to help Tori and feels guilty when she's with Beck. Also, I don't want to make this story super depressing, so expect some drama.

Next chapter, Tori's POV, things are getting serious, also, sorry for the mistakes, until next time. ;)


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

A.N: I just want to state that not everything about Tori's depression will be completely accurate, and if there's someone who is or knows someone who is going through it, please don't get offended, I'm not trying to make light of what you go through, I know it is a serious issue and I'm just trying to shed some light with the information I have. With that said, suggestions and information on this topic are very welcome.

Secondly, I'm so grateful for all the reviews, follows and favorites, it means a lot. As promised this chapter is going to be in Tori's POV, as we try to shed some light on Tori's mind.

Also, I know I said this in the previous chapter but I had lost my notes, and to be honest I had forgotten what the story was about, I mean I remember the general outline and plot but some things that I would have added had I not lost my notes might be differ from what I have put in now, so forgive me if it seems kinda different, I'll make sure it's consistent from now on, I saved my notes on my cloud.

This story is not beta'd, so all mistakes are mine, and please do try and read around them.

Oh, and I own nothing but my imagination.

********ISHD******

Tori POV

I looked at my bedside alarm clock again, and it read 2:45AM, damn, I've been awake since 9PM. I give up on sleep, get up from bed and switch on my bedside lamp. Might as well get started on some homework, speaking of homework, how the hell am I going to face my friends tomorrow, well today, after what happened yesterday. I know that they will start asking questions.

I feel like I had been slipping lately in trying to keep my happy façade, Andre especially has given me at least one or two weird looks, and if he didn't suspect anything then, he definitely does now, and so will the others. I don't think I can shrug off hours of crying after a mere stumble, they are not stupid, well some of them. I know for sure that Jade doesn't care, so I only need to convince Andre and Beck, Robbie I can ignore.

Speaking of Jade, this is all her fault, I had been doing ok, and if I slipped up I could simply play it off as having a bad day or the side effects of living with Trina, that one always works, but no, she had to go and trip me. In hindsight, Jade has been especially mean to me recently. And what was that about coming to see me and saying sorry, huffs, like she cares, I think Beck, Sikowitz and/or Lane made her come, and the cheese thing, who texts someone they don't like at night asking if they like cheese. It's probably some new form of torture she has devised.

Although, being hated by Jade can be useful, I can just say that her being mean to me is getting to me, I know it's wrong and she for once is not responsible for what's wrong with but I don't care really, before I would have cared but now, my number priority is that no one finds out. God, I think I would die if anyone found out, even if they did, what would I say was wrong with me, I don't even know myself, I will become that crazy girl with imaginary problems.

Making Jade my scapegoat, is the only chance I have at getting Andre and Beck off my back, besides it's not like I'm doing something she hasn't done to me a thousand times before, blaming me for things I didn't do or had no control of, and it surely won't change a thing in our relationship, she'd still hate me and I'll still be pathetic.

Trying to hide my problems is exhausting, that's why I have to keep anyone from suspecting, because if they do it means that I have to put even more extra effort in pretending to be happy. I wonder why it's so hard to pretend to be something that I naturally was. It also doesn't help that I don't sleep much these days, I'm always stressed, I can't get a moment to myself because my friends are always here, it's like when I came to HA we signed an agreement that my house was the official hangout spot, then I was ecstatic but now, it just seems like extra work.

At first I thought that that was my problem, that all the people and noise around me was the reason I couldn't sleep. With my friends here all the time or Trina and her annoying weird bathroom rituals and that screech she calls a voice that tries to deafen anyone within hearing range. But honestly, I have more quiet time than not. In my family, the most we see of each other is in the morning, and that is mostly characterized by brushing shoulders with muttered sorrys when reaching for things, when everyone is preparing to go wherever it is that they go. Trina used to hang around the house after school but we know Trina can't breathe unless she's annoying a crowd somewhere.

But then I couldn't sleep at night when I'm alone in the dark and it's quiet because even though its quiet outside, inside it's as loud as a frat party. I don't have peace and quiet because my brain never shuts up, the first time I had slept for more than 2 hours straight in a long time was when Jade was here, I found something about her strangely comforting, and since I haven't been able to find much comfort in pretty much anything lately, I'll take it from wherever I can. Or I'm just a masochist and derived pleasure from being bullied, who knows, won't be the first thing wrong with me.

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"TORI!" Bang bang bang

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

"TORI, WAKE UP RIGHT OR I'M LEAVING YOU!"

"Go away Trina!" I yell at the door where my sister is. I must have fallen asleep doing my homework, although from the raging headache I'm experiencing now, not for long.

"Tori, I'm warning you, if you're done by the time I'm finished with my make-up, I'm leaving you!" Trina yells back.

"Just go, I'll call Andre!" I yell back even though I know I would be done hours before she's done with her make-up, I just don't think I can deal with her today I have friends to convince that I'm doing ok, and if possible find a way to wiggle myself out of any social gathering, I know for certain that Trina has a weekend trip with some 'friends'. Yeah, I'm not so sure that they are her friends but you never know. And I'm certainly not calling Andre, I still need to think over what to tell him.

I go into my bathroom, thanking the stars that I don't have to share a bathroom with Trina, the horror, I visibly shudder at the thought of sharing a bathroom with Trina. I try my best to avoid the 5 foot mirror in my bathroom, I have not been the biggest fan of mirrors recently, in fact, I only look in the mirror to make sure that I don't look how I feel, so that no one will see how ugly I feel in the inside, and I spend as little time there as possible. Every time I look in the mirror, I always get the urge to punch the person looking back at me, because I hate her. I actually punched her once, and I explain the bandage I had to wear on my right hand for a week at school that Trina stepped on my hand with her Fazzini boots.

After coming close to another boxing match with my mirror I go to my room, get dressed, grab my backpack, and leave. I pass by the kitchen fridge to grab an apple that I'm not gonna eat, it's just for show. I could still hear Trina's screeching from her room, told you so.

I leave as quietly as possible, I'm not feeling up for an awkward morning conversation with my parents. I was planning to take the bus so that I have enough time to plan on what exactly I want to tell my friends, but I guess not.

"Vega."

"Uh, hi Jade, um, what, uh, are you doing here?" I ask her.

"Isn't it obvious, I'm here to give a ride to school, since you're like the only 17 year old teenager who doesn't have a driver's license?" She answers still leaning against her black mustang wearing all black looking as unruffled as if she takes me to school every day before breakfast.

"Uh, ok, that's very nice of you, thank you." I say and she gives this look that lasts for about a second as if she's disappointed, like she expected something from me that I didn't deliver, but I brush it off. I said thank you, if there is anything I didn't do is retort on her insult earlier about me having a license but that's not it because I haven't been verbally defending myself from her as I use to, but that didn't discourage her in the least. If anything she's meaner than ever, which makes me think Beck has superpowers, the things he makes her do.

"Yeah, don't get used to it," she says as I enter her car. I expect to her to drive off before I'm fully the car but she waits patiently until I'm fully settled that's when she starts her car and drives off. The cars ride is quiet and suits me and her perfectly. We're about five minutes into the drive when she says something to me.

"Huh?" I didn't expect her to say anything to me the whole ride, so I wasn't paying attention, and didn't hear what she said.

"Look in the glove compartment." She says coolly as if we had talking all along. I avoid asking her what she meant and just checked the glove compartment lest I pissed her off and she starts yelling at me. To be honest, I kinda like her when she's all quiet and moody, then I can get lost in the labyrinth that is my head without anyone bugging me.

"It's cheese," I say staring at the rectangular slab of cheese in my hands.

"Cornish kern, it's supposed to be the best the world, and it's sealed so you don't think I poisoned you." She answers in the same tone as before, as if we're old friends talking about the weather.

"For me, you bought this for me, you bought me cheese?" I ask and I can't help the incredulous tone of my voice.

"You like cheese, don't you?"

"Yeah, but….."

"But what Vega, you want me to take a bite to prove it's not poisoned?"

"No, no, it's fine, thank you, Jade," I say putting the cheese in my backpack with plans to actually eat it. Something about eating something that might kill me oddly excites me, the kind of excitement that I used to feel when I got a part in a play or a movie audition, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, and I try to avoid thinking about a lot of things because the moment I try, a whole cascade of emotions and feelings overcome me that I just can't deal with.

I look on the driver's side at Jade, Jade is a whole other enigma that my tired brain just can't handle, it's hard to understand what the girl's gonna do next, because no matter how much you think you know her or how much you think you have figured her out, she will always surprise you. Normally I would go to lengths one might call obsessive to try and understand her or get her to like me but now, I have decided to just go with it, if she likes me fine, if she doesn't also fine, I don't even like myself most of the time.

********ISHD**********

My day at school was going well so far, considering. After the cheese incident, Jade went back to pretending I didn't exist, I ran into Cat and Robbie gave them a sob story of hurting my tush as the reason why I cried yesterday, and I had successfully avoided Beck and Andre. But I knew I couldn't anymore since we had Sikowitz next, so I texted them to go early for Sikowitz's class so we could talk.

When I reached Sikowitz's classroom, I could hear Beck and Andre talk inside, I took a deep breath and entered.

"Hey guys," I announced myself.

"Hey muchacha." "Hey Tori," Andre and Beck said in unison as they both gave me one armed hugs from either side. "So, how are you doing?" Beck asked me, never one to beat around the bush.

"I'm doing ok," I said as I sat down, "my tust still hurts a bit, but I think I kinda of over reacted yesterday."

"Are you sure you're ok, are you sure it was just an over-reaction yesterday, when you screamed yesterday, I thought, um, I thought, I don't know what thought, I just want you to ok okay." Andre said looking like he meant everything he said and Beck looking the same.

I felt nothing, well I felt nothing good, here were two of the strongest people I know looking on the verge of tears because they were worried about me and I felt nothing apart from the guilt of making them feel this way and not being able to fix myself, so that everything goes back to normal. I did the only thing normal Tori would do, I got up from my seat and hugged them.

"You sweet sweet beautiful men, I love you so much for caring, but really I'm ok, I think, it was just my stress finding a way out yesterday, if you have noticed, Jade has been especially mean to me recently and I guess she kinda got to me, and the fact that she's the one who tripped me made me kinda of snap, I guess." I tell them the monologue I had been rehearsing and kiss each of them on the check.

Beck sighs, "We know, and I'm sorry about her, I'll talk to her and tell her to give you a break." He says and Andre nods his agreement.

"No, no, it's ok, I think I scared yesterday, if you talk to her now, she's just snap, besides, crying yesterday relieved tons of tension and stress off my shoulders that I'm probably the most stress free person in the world."

I heard a scoff behind me and I knew Jade was here, I could almost hug her, her timing was perfect, Beck went to berating Jade about her behavior and Andre told me not to pay her attention and went on to talk about a new song he was writing, all seemed well for now, they had believed me. I let out a sigh of relief and turned back and looked at Jade, she must have felt me look at her because she turned from Beck looked at me and for about a second I could swear she winked at me, smirked and then went back to her conversation/argument with Beck.

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A.N: Also, Tori's depression while not severe yet, has reached a point where her thoughts are kinda darker than what normal Tori. For example, she's cool with calling Cat stupid in her head or ignoring Robbie.

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